Ever despair at the quailty of journalism in today's music
press? Think you couldn't do any worse? Well, here's your chance
to hack it out with the best and worst of them with our handy
auto-review kit. Containing phrases beloved by the top writers
of the day, and Melody Maker, you just enter the band name, select
the pop-up menus, and Lester's your uncle.
Wembley arena gig
support slot at Fury Murry's
, it was just like
the Pistols at the 100 Club
The Beatles at the Cavern
Milli Vanilli's last tour
being tortured slowly
all over again.were
Belle and Sebastian
Lee Perry's house
Las Vegas casino
a public toilet
had the impact of a
flight of stairs
member of Arab Strap
falling down a
flight of stairs
. The singer's voice was
a thing of fractured beauty
smoke-drenched in emotion
brimming with amphetamine-fuelled intensity
shot to hell
while the guitar
stallion on heat
and the rhythm section
along with an
not dissimiar to
the Ramones at CBGB's
Shellac in their prime
the Stone Roses at Spike Island
Blink 182 on the toilet
. Citing as their influences
they fit neatly into the
genre currently sweeping
and not adequately filled since
became tax exiles
got cleaned up
a sonic cathedral
a tiny tiny foxcub
Top of the Pops
exuded by these
4 mop-topped guys
2 blokes and a donkey
onstage will stand them in good stead. For this
bunch of chancers
shower of twats
, you can see why
covers of The Glaswegian and BFM
jobs at Burger King
years paying off their advance
being arranged by
their friends in the press
Big Eddie's minders
1. Some journalists may find option
2. Some bands may find option 3 useful. take option 1 for better
3. Establishing your journalistic cred may show your age - be
4. insert band/artist name here
5. and establish your provenance. Any journo worth his salt was
5. Getting in 'angular' may impress as it's the current buzz word,
make no mistake
6. mix current 'hip' influences with 7. some more cheesey so-bad-they're-good
8. the 'meets' gambit is always a good way to summarise an act
while impressing with you own musical savvy, but get the venue
9. get some adjectives in and show off your prowess with the dictionary.
Or make some up!
10, what's the latest hip phrase? Make sure you're down with the
11/12. the 'falling down' gambit is a classic
13 -14. exercise your descriptive powers with the use of similies.
Or is it metaphors? Onomatopoeia?
15. Animal references are always good too. People like animals.
16. Get some more new words in. Before some bastard at Q beats
you to it
17. You were there, remember?
18. Get the references in, doesn't matter how shit they are as
long as either the kids or NME like them!
19. Invent a new genre! Absolutely crucial if you're going to
get that NME job...
20. Ah, a few classics. And of course, The Strokes...
21. Show how 'street' you are...
22. More buzz-words, can't have too many...
23-25 - Rounding it all off is the tricky bit but we help out
Hey, it's all just a bit of fun, right? For goodness sake.
But if you REALLY want to cut out and keep your review, I dunno,
take a screen dump or something.
Finally, send the completed review off to email@example.com.
And stop wasting our time.