Ever despair at the quailty of journalism in today's music press? Think you couldn't do any worse? Well, here's your chance to hack it out with the best and worst of them with our handy auto-review kit. Containing phrases beloved by the top writers of the day, and Melody Maker, you just enter the band name, select the pop-up menus, and Lester's your uncle.
At last night's Saturday evening's tomorrow's Wembley arena gig industry showcase support slot at Fury Murry's , it was just like the Pistols at the 100 Club The Beatles at the Cavern Milli Vanilli's last tour being tortured slowly all over again.were angular majestic visceral rank rotten yet incandescent life-affirming shimmering tangetial pish ; like Mogwai Brian Eno Belle and Sebastian Ted Nugent meets Atomic Kitten Richard Clayderman Gina G George Michael in an elevator Lee Perry's house Las Vegas casino a public toilet . The brooding malcontent simmering intensity visceralness sheer loveliness of their vibe art craft so-called music had the impact of a trash can flight of stairs piano member of Arab Strap falling down a disused mineshaft flight of stairs black hole soft verge . The singer's voice was a thing of fractured beauty smoke-drenched in emotion brimming with amphetamine-fuelled intensity shot to hell while the guitar screeched sobbed farted went "meep" like a banshee stallion on heat baby corpulent warthog and the rhythm section thundered careered pounded meandered along with an intensity viscerality intense viscerality angular intensity intense angularity-ness not dissimiar to the Ramones at CBGB's Shellac in their prime the Stone Roses at Spike Island Blink 182 on the toilet . Citing as their influences Slint The Strokes the Velvets their dealer and Lou Reed Hugh Reed Mike Reid Austin Reed they fit neatly into the post-rock emo-core jazz-punk costume-drama genre currently sweeping the world the UK Camden IPC Towers and not adequately filled since The Clash The Stones Nirvana Echobelly split died became tax exiles got cleaned up . Like a sonic cathedral Paul Weller a tiny tiny foxcub The Strokes on brown acid speed valium Top of the Pops , the angularity viscerality casual violence stale wee exuded by these Seattle grungemeisters 4 mop-topped guys 2 blokes and a donkey ill-suited buffoons onstage will stand them in good stead. For this band power-trio bunch of chancers shower of twats , you can see why great things covers of The Glaswegian and BFM jobs at Burger King years paying off their advance are predicted expected being arranged by demanded by Radio One their accountant their friends in the press Big Eddie's minders .
1. Some journalists may find option 3 useful 2. Some bands may find option 3 useful. take option 1 for better expenses. 3. Establishing your journalistic cred may show your age - be warned... 4. insert band/artist name here 5. and establish your provenance. Any journo worth his salt was 'there' 5. Getting in 'angular' may impress as it's the current buzz word, make no mistake 6. mix current 'hip' influences with 7. some more cheesey so-bad-they're-good ones 8. the 'meets' gambit is always a good way to summarise an act while impressing with you own musical savvy, but get the venue right! 9. get some adjectives in and show off your prowess with the dictionary. Or make some up! 10, what's the latest hip phrase? Make sure you're down with the Kids! 11/12. the 'falling down' gambit is a classic 13 -14. exercise your descriptive powers with the use of similies. Or is it metaphors? Onomatopoeia? 15. Animal references are always good too. People like animals. 16. Get some more new words in. Before some bastard at Q beats you to it 17. You were there, remember? 18. Get the references in, doesn't matter how shit they are as long as either the kids or NME like them! 19. Invent a new genre! Absolutely crucial if you're going to get that NME job... 20. Ah, a few classics. And of course, The Strokes... 21. Show how 'street' you are... 22. More buzz-words, can't have too many... 23-25 - Rounding it all off is the tricky bit but we help out here.
Hey, it's all just a bit of fun, right? For goodness sake. But if you REALLY want to cut out and keep your review, I dunno, take a screen dump or something.
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